Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
