The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
