I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
We left an ass print on the piano.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
I made him laugh his dick is mine
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
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