dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
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