were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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