I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
