Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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