one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
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