Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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