There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
