M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
