I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
