she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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