Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you made cement angels. it was a great sight.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
