2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
Randomize
