I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Randomize
