my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
