Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
Randomize
