who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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