remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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