Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
