Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Randomize
