just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
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