Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
It’s the universal cock block of this decade
FUCK THE COCKBLOCK 19
Randomize
