My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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