did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
the teacher told me he was disappointed and when I asked why he just shook his head. remember that kid that caught us having sex behind the school? pretty sure that was his son.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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