Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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