you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
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