forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Cover your peen. We're going out.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
