She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
