if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
I smell like Dick and happiness
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
