**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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