I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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