I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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