he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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