All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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