I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
