god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
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