I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
