hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
