I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
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