He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
