if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
