My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
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