I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
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