It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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