Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
this boner is exhausting
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude. Her vagina is a blender.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
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