Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
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