You really coming over, don't trick.
Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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