I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
You ever have a fart follow you around?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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