here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize