idk hes just been lookin at me weird all night
he probably just wants to cut your skin off and wear you like a body suit
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Dude, they are shaking the RV, yell at them. It feels like i'm being rocked to sleep, I don't like it, I'm not a baby.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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