I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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