also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I think I just shit out all my problems.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize