I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
