u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He did a backflip because drugs
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