He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
