if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
No subtext here. People are naked.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
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