I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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