What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
