Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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