Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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