3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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