i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
Randomize
