my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
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